


Saudade

by Walker_August



Series: San Valentín [3]
Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Reader-Insert, it's just feels tbh, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23470372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walker_August/pseuds/Walker_August
Summary: Final part* of the short San Valentin series. This follows on directly from Desiderium*probably
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader, Javier Peña/You
Series: San Valentín [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675303
Kudos: 21





	Saudade

“Murphy c’mon, don’t you want to be in on this assignment, huh? The glory of catching a big name sicario?” you whine to your new co-worker as you leave the ambassadors office.

He groans your name with the frustration of a man who would give anything to work with less obstinate colleagues, which makes you think Javier had the same response to being informed about the overnight stake-out you and him have been assigned to.

“I can’t.” Steve pats you on the shoulder as he walks away, turning to add “And you can’t avoid each other forever”

He’s right, obviously. It’s been two weeks since that night andyour stupid mistake that had ended in a confession of love that Javier most certainly did not return. It’s near impossible to not see the man every day since you work in the same team but you had been doing your best to stay out in the field or collecting information instead of hanging around the office where you wouldn’t be able to ignore each other.

You had been hurt, to say the least, at his response that night. Hurt enough that you considered requesting a transfer, or begging the ambassador to send you elsewhere for a while – hell, you’d have gone undercover in Medellín on the front-lines just to escape the shame and embarrassment of your unrequited feelings. He had so severely screwed you over – fucked you to some state of ecstasy, made you feel so real for one moment in your life. And then made you regret ever getting in to bed with him, let alone opening yourself up to him the way you had.

The worst thing was you couldn’t get over it, over him. Javier has so deeply planted himself in your subconscious, because you do love him even now after he broke your idiot heart in to tiny, unfixable fragments. How had it gone from co-workers casually fucking their frustrations away, to falling in love with a man who would never reciprocate? Sure he had always been so caring, so sweet to you even when he took everything he needed from you with rough, desperate hands. Even without the sex, you had considered him a friend and someone you could count on but with your utterance of those three small words he had taken that away from you too. Now you’re left alone, with nothing but regret.

When you round the corner to your desk, he’s there dropping off some case files and your breath hitches just slightly when you see him.

“Hey” he says, nonchalant and unbothered as always, holding up the files to you before dropping them on to your desk. He’s really got this whole uncaring thing down.

“Hi” you reply dumbly, trying to give of the same air of disinterest. “I’ve just heard about tomorrows assignment, that’s going to be…uhm…”

“It’ll be fine. It’s a good lead. Look, I gotta run…” is all he says, trailing off as he spots someone over your shoulder and rushes after them.

He doesn’t care. Not one single bit. There’s no way he’s acting like that to stop from showing his true feelings, not like you are. It’s a good thing your heart is already shattered because otherwise his behaviour now would only break it all over again. It was always you who was pining and hurting, wasn’t it? It always has to be you.

Tomorrow is going to be torture.

****

When you wake the next morning, groggy and waspish, you can already tell the day ahead is going to be even worse than you had previously imagined.

The heat is unbearable for a start, the air in Bogotá becoming oppressively heavy apparently overnight. It’s this kind of weather that causes ill-tempers and short fuses, you and Javi have that in common and you know it from heated arguments at work turning to even more heated reconciliation after hours.

Besides that, from what you could tell Javier had had company last night – a woman’s voice too loud for the late hour they arrived back to his place, the slam of his door, a conversation in Spanish and then the distinct sound of a passionate encounter that you didn’t want to have to think about. You were used to it by now, even before you had stopped seeing him it was a regular occurrence, but it stung deep in the still fresh wound he had left you with. He wasn’t a selfish man by nature, you knew this without doubt just from working with him, but it did feel like a selfish act to you – like he did it because he knew you could hear them, his was of making it clear and known that he didn’t return your feelings.

And yes, you had done the same thing. Well-meaning but unexciting Jason from the CIA had asked you out again a few days after and you had again let him in to your bed – but that was a way to forget, to distract yourself from everything else. You had been selfish too, but not in the same way as Javier.

You do your best to forget it all, using the day to prepare for the job that could lead to you catching a mid level sicario. This is important, more important than your own broken heart right now. It’s why you’re here, both of you. And the sooner it’s done, the sooner Escobar is captured and you can move on. It’s only a matter of time.

****

Arriving on location later that evening, you find the small room where you’ll be stuck for the next several hours. The abandoned place is dingy and stripped bare, two large windows covered by stained curtains making it an ideal hideout to watch the action below without being noticed.

Javier is already there when you arrive, setting up. The still, muggy air fills the room and you already notice sweat beading on your skin as you enter and acknowledge him with a nod. Making some final arrangements he turns to you, his deep brown eyes meeting yours properly for what feels like the first time in weeks.

Your heart fucking stutters.

“All good to go?” he asks, setting a channel on the radio so you can be ready to call for back up if it’s needed.

“Ready. What time’s this guy supposed to show?”

“Tip says around eleven, but these guys change their schedules a lot”

“Right”.

And with that, silence. You sit yourself close to the window but make sure to be out of view from outside, using the tattered curtains as a shield from prying eyes. He does the same, and for a good two hours you both stare out, watching intently.

It’s tormenting, being in the same room as him. His steady breathing and your fingers drumming against the floor the only sounds for too long. His hair is messy atop his head and partially sticking to his forehead from the heat, the simple white shirt unbuttoned more-so than usual. He had worn that shirt on the first night you had seen each other outside of work, at a dive bar far away from the embassy where you had talked for hours and then screwed in the bathroom like reckless teens desperate for the high.

That night was still one of your best in Colombia. Thinking about it only made you miss him more, feeling more alone than ever even with him sitting right there beside you.

“Javi, can we-”

“Do you want-”

You both speak at the same time, you turning towards him and him leaning back to grab something.

“Sorry” you mutter, letting him finish.

“Water?” is all he offers and you experience a wash of disappointment pass over you, although you don’t know what you were expecting him to ask instead.

“Sure. Thanks”

You grab the bottle and drink, cherishing the cool liquid you hadn’t realised you needed.

****

For hours it goes on the same way, tense and quiet. By the time 1am strikes, you haven’t exchanged more than a handful of words but you watch now as he paces and mutters to himself.

“The fucking tip must’ve been false. Christ, what a joke” he’s angry, balling his hands in to fists as he stalks around the tiny space.

“Let’s give it another hour then call it, ok?”

One more hour, you can do this.

He nods, sits back down again but this time he’s looking right at you. You flush, taking another swig of your water and looking away from him. This intensity he has never really fades, the spark of anger in his eyes, the serious demeanour that had attracted you to him in the first place. He’s pissed off because he cares and because he needs this win so much more than he’ll ever admit – and that is his common state of being.

“It’s okay, you know. This isn’t your mistake” you assure him, quietly. He needs this, a calming presence when things don’t go right.

“I…you’re right, I know. Thanks” his features softens, just slightly and it makes you want to hold him close.

“I miss you, you know” barely a whisper from your lips, the words leaving you before your brain has even processed what you’re saying “I mean- I…”

This isn’t the time or place for it, not in the slightest. Javier runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it away from where it sticks, and lets out a sigh but that’s it. He turns back towards the window, contemplative, so you do the same and blink away the tears threatening to spill.

“I’m sorry. I really am sorry” he murmurs after a couple minutes and you just blink dumbly at him for too long, never expecting to hear that from him.

“Javi, you don’t have to be sorry. Like you said before, it was me who fucked things up. I should’ve never…I just thought you-”

He sighs your name with a sadness that fractures your very soul.

“The way I treated you that night, I fucking hate myself for it. I think about it every single day and I come up with a thousand better ways I could’ve responded every time. It’s on me, all of it. Shit, I ruined everything and now you can’t even look at me or speak to me, and I completely deserve that.”

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” you have to stop yourself from sobbing, stunned by his sudden divulgence.

“I heard you were dating that CIA asshole, I didn’t want to ruin that for you too.”

“I’m not. We went out once last week but that’s it. I was just trying to deal with you moving on so quickly” you admit.

“I’m not proud of the way I deal with things” he shrugs, acknowledging the series of one night stands with no more than that.

You wipe away a stray tear and nod, understanding what he means even as much as you hate it. In the moonlight that shines through the open curtain you think you see tears welling in his eyes but he just blinks them back and bows his head slightly.

“Javi…” you have to find out “Do you think you might – if you could go back and change what happened I mean – would you have…” you can’t ask the question you want to, too afraid. Instead you tell him “My feelings haven’t changed. I still-”

“Don’t, please” sorrow rips through you as he cuts you off

Oh.

****

It’s just past 3am when you both arrive back at the apartment building, dark circles under your eyes and a clawing, aching longing in your soul.

Javier waves you off at his lower floor apartment and you head up the stairs to your own with heavy legs and a fleeting glance to watch him enter his and close the door behind him. Being able to talk to him again had made you feel so hopeful, for a short moment, but now you’re right back where you began with a broken heart and a desire that would never be sated by anyone else. He doesn’t love you, but somehow you are more certain than ever that you love him.

Entering your apartment, you kick off your shoes and fall back on to the couch with a huff. The bottle of Aguardiente is an easy reach from there and you need it now more than ever, popping off the cap you take a long swig straight from the bottle and hiss at the sting as it passes down your throat. The burning is a happy distraction from the conversation replaying in your mind.

You’re about to take another sip when an urgent knock at the door makes you jump, peeling yourself away from the couch to answer this late night caller with some caution.

“I’m not the guy you spend the rest of your life with”

“What?” you let him in, brow knitted with confusion as he stands before you looking worn and so regretful

“It’s- I’m not supposed to be the one you fall in love with.” he stutters out “There’s no happy ending with me, I don’t come with the offer of undying love…marriage…kids and whatever else. That’s not the guy I am. The last woman I loved, I left her at the altar. Broke her heart. I screw things up” he spills out all the feelings he’d been keeping to himself for you don’t know how long “You deserve someone who’ll be there for you, who can give you everything. I wish that was me, because I feel so much for you, but it’s not”

So this is what it comes down to.

Javier has been trying to protect you from himself, from messing up your life further down the line. He’s giving you up because he cares about you too much. Like a dolt, the frantic confession only makes you love him more.

“I know” you whisper and taste salt water from the silent tears, understanding all at once what he’s trying to tell you. You take his hand in yours.

“We can’t do this any more”

“I know” you repeat but even still, like magnets you are drawn together by some unseen force “But Javier, I know this won’t always be who you are. People grow, they change. When all this is over, maybe that’s our time?”

He nods with some look of hope in his eyes at that, leaning towards you in spite of himself.

“Can we have whats left of tonight?” you whisper, so close now.

Your lips meet and you don’t care, for that moment, that you may never get to know this again – his lips caressing yours, hands grasping, pulling you to him. The way he breaths out your name against your skin and makes you feel so whole.

If you were more prudent beings, you’d be saying your heartfelt goodbyes and leaving it at that. But you are in love, and love does not account for such circumspection.

Love is a wicked thing. It’s needy, always ravenous. Funny, how willing we are to let love cause total devastation just to sate its uncontrollable appetite.

Truly the most certain thing you’ve ever known is that love really does make fools of us all.


End file.
